Waking up..

I just had the most emotionally releasing walk ever.
I woke up 3 days ago, feeling much lighter.
I had listened to Mark Stephens phobia and anxiety free cds.
Okay I admit, I did not do this by myself, I needed help, YEP I can admit that.
Sometimes we all just need a little bit of help and we can't do it all by ourselves, something I think a lot of people need to realise. However, I know from suffering from serious depression, we develop a narcissistic attitude and don't let anyone else in.

I had to let someone in. It was time to stop feeling lost and start understanding why I felt this way.
I've had 2 friends kill themselves in 2 months and this is something I want to try to help prevent in the future.
For me, my friends and even people I don't like, people I don't know, anyone. I don't want anyone to feel like they are worthless and have nothing to live for, we all do.
If it's being creative, or making music, playing video games, cooking, writing, whatever we are good at, we are good at for a reason. You were born to create what you need to create and this makes every single life beautiful.

I've held a lot of deep seated issues inside for a very long time, some it seems I don't even physically remember, however these affected me.
My brother had a brain tumour at the age of 3 and I wasn't even 1 yet. This affected me without knowing, but everytime I talked about it, I cried and felt like my heart was sinking. My brother has had no effect, except having to learn to write with his opposite hand and of course the rehab he went through, but i guess from being 9 months old and not being around your mother is going to effect a tiny child.

My parents fought for 15 years, in the end it got so negative that my brother and I moved to another state. Their life is different now, they are happy and live a different life, but back then it affected me more than I ever knew.
The relationships I had with girls throughout my life. People I thought I was friends with, ditching me for a joke.
The relationships I had with boys, sexual or non -sesual, they have all impacted me in different ways. Some negative, like the 10 year friend who committed fraud on me, I've had to forgive her. I've had to forgive the friend who stole from me, the friend who stole my boyfriend, the friend who treated me like I was less, making me feel less and less for a long long time. I forgive them. They did not mean to make me feel that way, they were hitting their own rock bottom and were taking me down with them.

I feel sorry for my parents and brothers who had to put up with such a disgusting attitude from me for so long. I was a terrible person, I can admit it. I stole, I lied, I spent their money, drank their alcohol, I was never honest and secretly they knew but they kept the facade up because I was not ready to change.

I am glad to have found the most beautiful man I'll ever meet. Who I can talk to about my deepest, darkest secrets, fears and sadness to. He listens and doesn't judge because he has been through the same. I have found my soulmate, in relationship form and this is very rare.

I had to realise that I was the only one bringing ME down. I could blame the rest of the world, but it was only my fault. I was the one who fucked up uni, I was the one who can't get a job because I am too stubborn to help myself. I'm the one who fucked around with my medication, making me feel more depressed. I was the one who couldn't say no and have willpower when I bought chocolate instead of fruit. I WAS the one who has put on 5 kilos.
NOONE ELSE.
It was noone elses fault I wasn't exercising.
It was noone elses fault I was smoking.
It was noone elses fault I couldn't handle money.
It was MY fault.
I was to blame for it all.

Once I accepted this blame, the rightful blame, I was able to move on.

I also had to accept things I am NOT to blame for.
My friend's deaths.
The sadness of people around me.
The uncommunicative abilities of others.

I did not cause any of these and this is their own problems.
I am amazed that this good feeling has lasted 3 days. Usually my sadness is on and off, but I feel like I've finally hit a nerve and am finally able to do something.

I decided to exercise today.
I cried the whole time.
The sun was on my face.
The music was beautiful.
I felt really happy for feeling free.
I am free to make my own decisions.
I am free to live my life the way I want.
I am free to eat what I want.
I am free to do a lot of things that we take for granted.
I am happy, free and appreciative of the life I have to lead.

I will be 27 tomorrow.

How beautiful.

Untitled

When you feel so bad you don’t want to live,



remember that theres plenty more to give,



just because, doctors want you to take the medication,



doesn’t mean thats the only kind of education,



sometimes… you just need laughs,



and you just need smiles someone who will listen,



someone who is there just to care for a while…



with all those thoughts swimming round your head,



not sure if you want to be alive or dead?



how do you decide?



why is it hard to decide?



life doesn’t have to be that hard,



try to push down that guard,



live your life like there’s no tomorrow,



don’t be kept down with heavy sorrow.



there’s more to living, like being yourself,



there’s more to people,



than the outside facade,



there’s more to life,



than waking up sad,



so stop making life seem so bad!



Be happy for who you are,



be happy for who you will be,



be happy for what you stand for,



most of all be happy for who stands by you.

Just words

Laying next to you, though you left today. Laying next to you, with nothing left to say.
You've ruined my trust, for a short while. Nothing was said, you just left.You gave me no explanation.

I feel somewhere there was a disconnection. Not sure where. Now it's too late to say, I miss you.


You're in my dreams and walking around in my mind. It makes me very tired. You're all I ever think of at night, and day.

I miss you more than words could ever say. I feel a shudder of sadness.


It's time to walk away. From us and our memories. From all that we used to be.

Do you remember? Once you said we'd be together forever, but I guess you lied. I guess that's life..?

It will be okay

I feel sad for you.
You say you want to be love.
But you don't know what you want.
You feel you don't deserve it.
You desire the wrong men.
He is using you.
Abusing you.
I see it break your heart.
The one man you felt you liked.
He is wrong.
It makes me so sad.

I read what you wrote.
I was breathless.
I felt my throat closing.
I felt my heart thumping.
My fist is clenched.

Not long ago I felt like this.
Cheated by the universe.
Down that same motherfucking hole.
At the same spot.
That damn forsaken rut.
The neverending feeling of hopelessness.
The only thing that made me feel better was my own pain.

I saw the scratches.
They were deep.
You were trying to push the pain from your heart and head.
To your leg.
Your arm.
Your stomach.
I have been like you.
I hid myself from the world.
I know all you feel right now.
Is that you are alone.
I want you to know.
I feel your pain.
EVERYTIME I SEE YOUR SCARS.
I am reminded of my past.
What I once did to push everything away,
out of my head.

The depression takes over.
And all you want, is real pain,
to push away the pain from...

Your feeling of failure,
The men who treated you like a piece of meat,
The men who fucked you, left you, like you never mattered.
The guy who beat you, who raised his fucking fist at you.
The scum who manipulated you until you were numb.
Unable to tell which was was what.
One day you will realise.
This is life.
So many others go through the same pain you do.
You will get through it.
Men are not worth worrying about.
You are better than that, my love.
One day you will stand up proud and not stop smiling,
because you have made it.
Made it another day alive.
Happy to be alive.
Happy to be happy.
It will come, I promise you, it will come.
I am proof.

Wishing

wishing i was there
holding you in my arms
wishing i never made a promise
to finish what i had started
wish i didn't have to be here
in this damn unforsaken hole
which makes me feel unlike me
makes me hate myself
makes me so unhappy i want to run away.
wishing i didnt need you so bad
wishing you didnt need me so bad

Where I am right now (Oct 08)

Sometimes I feel so alone in the world,
But then I talk to someone,
who shares the same views,
and everything falls into place.

I miss how uncomplicated I once was,
before I became an emotional ugly mess.
No idea how I got this way,
Sometimes I wish it would dissapear.


But I guess that's what they call personality,
someone who isn't just a wall, too thick to talk to.
Someone who gives a fuck about more than just sex.
The importance of happiness, love and feeling.

The gut wrenching pain of being away from them.
The touch that quenches the hunger.
The kiss that makes you powerless, left quivering.
The feeling of knowing you are protected.

Arms wrapped around you, warm breath on your neck.
The whole world could collapse,
The sky could fall in,
but it doesn't matter, you are content.

Even when it is bad, it is good,
The sad times only makes the happy times better,
The laughter helps the tears be forgotten,
That moment, laying in the sand, hand in hand.

That is it.
That is emotion.
Not just someone who thinks they can have it all.
One day your little world will detonate.

and I will not be here to pick up those pieces.
I learnt that lesson.
I am me and one day it will come.
My happily ever after,
the one who will need and want me
not try to fix me
nor i fix them.

What do you want?

her manipulation and lies
and how she turns you on her side
its not angst
its not a grudge
its pure hurt
nothing else
trust was taken advantage of
all gone
so many issues
so many concerns
i like you, more than i should
it hurts that you trust her
after everything she has done
she is the past
right now i ask you
what is your future?
what do you want your future to be?
i would give you my whole
fun, adventure, excitement
carefree
no issues
you know i could never hurt you
i don't have a mean bone in my body
what do you want?