It will be okay

I feel sad for you.
You say you want to be love.
But you don't know what you want.
You feel you don't deserve it.
You desire the wrong men.
He is using you.
Abusing you.
I see it break your heart.
The one man you felt you liked.
He is wrong.
It makes me so sad.

I read what you wrote.
I was breathless.
I felt my throat closing.
I felt my heart thumping.
My fist is clenched.

Not long ago I felt like this.
Cheated by the universe.
Down that same motherfucking hole.
At the same spot.
That damn forsaken rut.
The neverending feeling of hopelessness.
The only thing that made me feel better was my own pain.

I saw the scratches.
They were deep.
You were trying to push the pain from your heart and head.
To your leg.
Your arm.
Your stomach.
I have been like you.
I hid myself from the world.
I know all you feel right now.
Is that you are alone.
I want you to know.
I feel your pain.
EVERYTIME I SEE YOUR SCARS.
I am reminded of my past.
What I once did to push everything away,
out of my head.

The depression takes over.
And all you want, is real pain,
to push away the pain from...

Your feeling of failure,
The men who treated you like a piece of meat,
The men who fucked you, left you, like you never mattered.
The guy who beat you, who raised his fucking fist at you.
The scum who manipulated you until you were numb.
Unable to tell which was was what.
One day you will realise.
This is life.
So many others go through the same pain you do.
You will get through it.
Men are not worth worrying about.
You are better than that, my love.
One day you will stand up proud and not stop smiling,
because you have made it.
Made it another day alive.
Happy to be alive.
Happy to be happy.
It will come, I promise you, it will come.
I am proof.

Wishing

wishing i was there
holding you in my arms
wishing i never made a promise
to finish what i had started
wish i didn't have to be here
in this damn unforsaken hole
which makes me feel unlike me
makes me hate myself
makes me so unhappy i want to run away.
wishing i didnt need you so bad
wishing you didnt need me so bad

Where I am right now (Oct 08)

Sometimes I feel so alone in the world,
But then I talk to someone,
who shares the same views,
and everything falls into place.

I miss how uncomplicated I once was,
before I became an emotional ugly mess.
No idea how I got this way,
Sometimes I wish it would dissapear.


But I guess that's what they call personality,
someone who isn't just a wall, too thick to talk to.
Someone who gives a fuck about more than just sex.
The importance of happiness, love and feeling.

The gut wrenching pain of being away from them.
The touch that quenches the hunger.
The kiss that makes you powerless, left quivering.
The feeling of knowing you are protected.

Arms wrapped around you, warm breath on your neck.
The whole world could collapse,
The sky could fall in,
but it doesn't matter, you are content.

Even when it is bad, it is good,
The sad times only makes the happy times better,
The laughter helps the tears be forgotten,
That moment, laying in the sand, hand in hand.

That is it.
That is emotion.
Not just someone who thinks they can have it all.
One day your little world will detonate.

and I will not be here to pick up those pieces.
I learnt that lesson.
I am me and one day it will come.
My happily ever after,
the one who will need and want me
not try to fix me
nor i fix them.

What do you want?

her manipulation and lies
and how she turns you on her side
its not angst
its not a grudge
its pure hurt
nothing else
trust was taken advantage of
all gone
so many issues
so many concerns
i like you, more than i should
it hurts that you trust her
after everything she has done
she is the past
right now i ask you
what is your future?
what do you want your future to be?
i would give you my whole
fun, adventure, excitement
carefree
no issues
you know i could never hurt you
i don't have a mean bone in my body
what do you want?

Vacant

as soon as i arrive
you are kissing me passionately
not letting go
not wanting to be alone

i could see it in your eyes
the vacant look
the smell of alcohol
the taste of abuse

ive known you for 5 days
and i worry nonstop
hoping you are okay
and not hurting yourself

if i cant be your girlfriend
i want to be your friend
lean on me
when your not strong. friend.

Two sides

I have two sides
One side that is hurt, humiliated, heartbroken
but the other is motivated
motivated to show myself
show who I am
and what I can do.
I will be successful.
I will be everything I can be,
I have potential.
The hurt will go
The humilitation will never destroy me
I've been through worse.
The difference this time?
I have the most amazing support from friends.
Hold me when I'm so upset my body is numb from pain.
Broken hearted.
but you know what?
I'm gonna be fine.
I can already feel my body healing.
and I can't help but smile.

To my shining star (Mum)

Its so nice to see you happy
You look so fresh and free
It has been a long time since I've witnessed that
Its a nice way to be.

You look content with your life
Finally you have found that zone
Its nice to see you smile
No more do you feel alone.

You are shining
and it's definately lovely to see
I was so worried about you
not being able to just be.

But now Im confident you will rise above
In time you will be just fine
I've never been so happy for you
and Im glad to call you mine.

The world stopped

I was with you.
Laying in the sand.
Side by side,
Hand in hand.
My heart was yours.

I would have been yours forever.
I wish you could see,
and not run away.
I'd have done anything for you,
I still would.
Nothing mattered when we were together,
but us.

At that moment,
I stopped breathing.
It didn't feel real.
It felt like a fairytale.
The world had stopped.
Time stood still.
That was it,
right there and then.

You will always be in my heart.
As they say,
you never forget your first love.

The last goodbye

I thought we would last longer than we did,
In the end. I am. Humiliated. Hurt. Broken. Messy.
Sometimes I revel in hating you.
Sometimes I miss your everything and I smile.
You disgust me, but I also can't help but miss you.
What a mess.
I am no longer anything, but ripped apart at the seams and discarded.
I wonder,
Do you even miss me?
Where did I go wrong?
Did you ever feel anything for me?
Was I just another pawn on the chessboard?
Thanks for nothing.
I wish I never met you.
Another lesson learnt.
Another heartache to recover from.
Another goodbye.
Uncontrollable emotions.
It is going to be okay, I will convince myself.

The day you are mine

Dreaming of what it would be like,
to call you mine.
Taste your lips,
I bet they are oh so sweet tasting.
To wake up to your smile,
feel your warm breath on my face.
Be able to hold you in my arms,
and not be afaid to let you go.
You would be mine
and I would be fulfilled.

Time to dream up more.

That is...

That is someone who can see anyone and not just themselves.
That is someone who can put their live on the line to protect you,
because they not only know, but they feel you are worth it.
The world.
As one who speaks the truth and nothing but, you are so special and one of a kind.
To find someone for my life like you is such a blessing.
I can't wait for many years of beautiful, healthy, long, awesome friendship with you.

Ten emotions in one

broken
bruised
battered
humiliated
regrets

but not hurt

i had warning

angry

you want her
have her
shes a manipulating compulsive lying whore
i dont want to feel like this

i was pacing
reeling

i felt 10 emotions in one

tossing
turning

thats it

i will repair
i will regain
i will be better
i am better
i will become
i will persevere

i will make a name for myself and you, will be dust.
...just like her.

"Fiend"

Tell me how you feel

As time goes by,
I still feel for you.
It will never change,
oh no it will never change.
I know you can love me.
I can see it in your eyes.
I see them scan over me,
watching my every move.
Wishing I was yours,

and not his.

You created attention so I looked at you.
Good tactics.
But you should realise, my dear.
You are the only one I desire.
I am incapable of not loving you.
Make it known my love,
tell me how you feel,
I would never reject you.

That dreaded night

I was annihilated.
I had lost all sense and all ability to see, speak, to say no.
You took full advantage of this.
I keep having flashbacks,
I feel dirty.
I remember you fucking me.
Then rolling over.
I was just a piece of meat.
I woke up with no pants on.
You were not drunk.
Rape.
Fucking.
You piece of shit.
Violated, embarrassed.
I'd never have conceeded while sober.
Is that why you bought me the bottle?
Knowing I wouldn't, couldn't resist?
Left your door open.
Waiting for a drunken stumble.
You knew there was nowhere for me to sleep.
Sick to the stomach.
Thanks for nothing,
Rot in hell.

Save me

I wish I didn't have to be here
WHile you sit there so smug
with your new toy.
I'm just thrown away.
Pushed aside.
Was I ever anything to bother about?
Ever anything to care about?
Was there even anything between us?
Obviously not.
Thanks for shattering all the confidence I had.
Cheers mate, cheers.

One of my first poems written about parents fighting

im sitting here
with my hands over my ears
i dont want to hear it anymore
dont want to have to hear them scream
hear them shout
i just want to run away
into my own little world
away from it all
away from the world
into my own corner
my own universe
i close my eyes
and dream

RIP

Memories scattered,
Being me back to that day.
I feel so sad.
I lost you.
My one true friend.
Common ground.
You were so kind and for what?
One night of fun?
I still grieve for you.
It was nine years ago.
I feel my throat get dry.
I can't swallow.
I miss you.
It makes me sad that you will never grow up,
do the things I have.
RIP.

Protected, Dec 07

I lay here so far away,
Wondering what you are doing.
What you are wearing,
What you smell like.

Your smile always made me warm,
your touch made me shiver.
I miss the way you made me laugh,
all I feel is fear.

I'm afraid you will never come home,
you might leave me for someone else.
I sit here everyday,
waiting, for, you.

Please don't stray,
don't run from me.
Remember those nights we had,
so pure, so free.

I felt no more torture,
I had no more nightmares.
I was in your arms,
Protected.

Pinnacle Moment

Pre heartbreak, there was a need to cover myself up.
Almost facade spectacular.
I hid inside myself.
It is astonishing that the summer fling, I felt so alive.
I could do anything, then the heartbreak,
I am set straight into sinking, saddening depression.
Now at this exact moment I even considered not drinking.
That was a pinnacle moment.

Rachel Carger
16/07/08

Passion

The bottle is my passion,
My one true love.
My only comfort, my only constant.
When I am down, I drink, my problems dissapear.
It sometimes ruins my pride,
that's not the point.
I asked for a double didn't I?
mm yes where were we?
Yes.
Passion, desire, no I'm just thirsty, I swear.

Panic

Sometimes I wish I could be blank.
No erratic thoughts.
Restless.
They take me over.
No relaxation.
Just pure panic.
Not wanting to leave the confined space, that feels safe.
Away from danger and leering face.
My one phobia, people and their judgemental eyes.
I can't breathe.
Cannot swallow.
I close my eyes and imagine I am somewhere else.
The air is fresh.
I can breathe once again.
For the next few moments I am at peace.

One night or forever

Does he like me?
Is it all in my head?
Is he afraid of something more?
Overthinking?

I know he was in love.
I was the rebound.
Drunken haze of sex.
Goddamnit good sex.

But what now?
Was there no feeling?
I don't believe it.
I felt more.

You even said, "You get me".
Don't you know it baby.
Now I'm scared to be me sometimes.
Yet other times I forget it happened.

I miss the days before,
when I didn't feel self conscious.
I guess in time you will succumb,
or run away.

Either way, at least the sex was fantastic,
And you are a very good friend.

Ode to you

You are the only one,
who gives a shit all of the time.
You can cheer me up,
when I'm so far down.
Even if you are poking fun.

These days,
I am feeling very alone,
and this may seem corny and lame,
but you are the one that keeps me here,
stops me from running away.

You make my decision to stay, easier.
When I look at the people I am friends with,
there are not many i'd do anything for.
You do so much for me,
one day I will return the favour.

Thankyou for sticking with me,
through some really tough times.

Now that you are away

Feels like forever, every day I am without you.
One deep breath, one troubled sigh,
My feelings condemned.
Unattached.

I am not hurt, however sadness drowns me.
I am not lonely, yet when i close my eyes i feel you holding me.
I am not sad, for I am happy you came into my life.

I miss you, but my heart is closed for business.
To protect myself.

Dealing with you

for some reason,
ive started to get feelings for you.

i live with you,
it is so wrong.

i know it is,
but i can't help it.

at first i thought it was lonliness,
but tonight you came home upset.

she had broken your heart,
all i wanted to do was comfort you.

make you smile,
make you see she isn't the only woman you'll love.

tonight i talked about my poems,
my story.

i haven't done that for a long time,
i opened up.

i felt naked,
like i'd lost something.

i like my secret,
but thats okay.

I am glad I told you,
now you know the real me.

Maybe I subconsiously did it,
so you'd like me.

I do weird things like that.

I don't want to like you,
I live with you.

But you are so warm,
so not like any other guy i've known.

So truthful, so honest,
so absolutely beautiful.

You love music, love lyrics, love melody,
you love it for the same reason i do.

Living here is going to be good for me,
I can see it now.

I will now try to ignore the feelings,
push them away,

You would never love me,
I am nothing you'd want.

As I raise my glass,
To the future,love, life.

Misunderstood

I am in total dissaray
You missed me
for two whole weeks

then you ditched me
treated me so cold
left me wondering what the deal was

misunderstood?
do you care?
do you still want me?

i'm not waiting around
to get my heartbroken
i can't deal with that again

tell me what i need to hear
closure.
help me understand

i'm always here to listen.
you know that
stop pretending like i'm the enemy

i did nothing wrong
and i need you to tell me that
all i need is closure

The ex

I know you are hurting.
I can hear it in your voice,
See it in your eyes.
You are vacant at present.
So much pain.
She pulled at your heart, then stomped on it.
I've seen it all before.
I was there.
You did the same thing to me.
Rinse then repeat?
You seem to forget.
That's okay.
I forgave you a long time ago.
But I will never forget.

Making alone easier

We spent an incredible amount of time together
Day in, day out.
Hardly leaving each others side.
Always in your arms,
Smiling.
I was no longer alone.
I felt like I belonged.
Like I mattered to someone.
I never thought I would feel like that,
after countless heartache.
I would wake up to your smile.
Your embrace.
I was so used to being alone.
Lonely.
Yet, sometimes I wish I had never met you,
It would make being alone so much easier right no

Love #2

With every hour,
of every minute
of every second
that I am with you,
my feelings grow
I fall for you.

I've never felt like this,
loving one for their imperfections,
someones company,
someones all,
you are my all,
for now,
right here, right now.

Love

i know i wont be alone forever
one day ill be like my mum
wishing i was alone,
but hopefully i wont be,
I guess i know things are so much easier if you have a sidekick who cares about you.
who does special things for you
kisses you goodnight
there to hold you when you're sick
looks after you
tells you its gonna be allright
if that one person u trust tells u it'll be allright, it will be
because they are your constant

i miss that.

that person you wake up to
the smile
their smile
so precious
makes your heart leap.

mouth goes dry
just having them there, makes the day better
going home to them
makes the night better

how can anything live up to this feeling?

Kiss poem

You kiss me on these red pursed lips.
You hold me in the deep of darkest nights.
Youpromiseme the whole wide world and all it can give.
But it doesn't mean I love you.

It might seem I give my whole toyou.
Alas, This just isn't true.
I have a seperate life to you.
The one I live when I am alone, in my hole.

The person portrayed is all a facade.
The person you love is a fake, a fraud.
I seek to find myself.
You are just another page in the book.

To the one and Only Jan 02 08

From a distance I have always loved you
So much, sometimes I cry
The feelings are compelled increasingly
Everytime you walk by.


You speak to me and I am frightened
One look at you and I melt
Why? I cannot answer
It is something I truly had never felt.

We have been friends a long time
I always knew you were the one for me
So many times spent together
I just wish that you could see.

I helped you through some bad times
You helped me through some of mine
We are great together
Especially with help from the wine.

One night I told you I loved you
Yet it was in a drunken haze
After that night I tried to confirm the details
But you only answered totally unfazed.

Only the other day I saw you
You came over to bring in the new year
I still wish for you to love me
Or is that my one true fear?

I am a complicated one
If you come close, I’m sure to push myself away
I hope you pull me back into you
One day, maybe one day.

Invisible

Sometimes I can't cry,
I feel the storm brewing.
Nothing will come out.
No tears.
Nothing.
No pinnacle moment of sadness,
is able to make me cry.
Unattached from the ability to feel.
Unable to understand the emotions.
It will build and one day, I will explode.
Unable to be.
I am blocked, drained, empty.
Inside and out.
Blank expressions
Invisible to the world.
I scream . I dream. I wish. I hope. Fear builds with every breath taken.

Insomnia

Boredom creates insomnia,
Unable to sleep.
Unable to dream.
I wake up the next morning and I cannot think.
My mind wanders to what?
Nothing,
something,
restless.
I cannot fall asleep.
I lay here tossing and turning.
Exaggerating all the thoughts in my mind.
I swallow.
Blink.
Close my eyes but cannot sleep.
Cannot dream.
I sigh.

In your arms

It's so hard to breathe, knowing how unbelievably perfect this moment is.

In your arms,
Feeling like my heart has healed.
No more hopelessness,
No more numbness,
I was happy being yours
and you were mine.
Holding hands,
being each others constant.
Comforting when needed,
you were my everything.

I wish

I hate myself for wanting this,
Wanting you.
Wanting more.
Wishing you will grab me.
Shake me,
Tell me you have always loved me and it was all a mistake.
My want.
For you to be like me and need love to survive.
Go ahead,
Pull away,
You are so predictable.
I would have given you the world.
You don't want that.
Keep pulling away.
My single wish,
that one way you will take a chance,
stop pulling awat from what could be happiness.

I hate to love you

I hate the way you want everything but give nothing,
I hate the way you are so selfish you don't even realise.
I hate the way you get jealous and won't admit it.
I hate the fact you won't listen to a word I say.
I hate the way you smile, like I am talking shit and are crazy.
I hate the way I can't not love you.
I admit defeat.
I can't stop loving you and I hate that,
most of all.

Can't do this anymore

Their judging eyes, staring
I can't deal with their smiles
How can they be so happy?
When I feel so sad, so alone.

Where do they get off, knowing life is okay?
When I sit here questioning?
I stare into space
Ignore all conversation
I'm in my own little world, trying to forget.

It all seems so hard, so heavy on my chest.
I feel so rundown with inability to get well.
Why is it always like this for me?
I'm at breaking point and I'm ready to explode.
Help.

It's time to ask for help.
To realise what's wrong with me.
I wake up every morning, without knowing my emotions.
Unable to detect which one I'll feel today.
Numb to the constant pain in my head.
Tears stinging my eyes while I try to sleep.

It's hard to say those few words.
but I can't smile anymore.
I find it hard to laugh, be happy, be me.
People are noticing, I can't even be a facade.
The pretty colours are fading and I am so scared.

I don't need or want fixing,
but I want to be happy,
I want to wake up and know I'm going to be okay.
Know I can go to sleep in silence and not have to ignore the negative thoughts.
I want to love myself.

After two years of my dealing with my past.
I was happy to live and be strong.
Yet I am again feeling so weak.
Unable to deal with anything that comes my way.
I just break down and cry.
Battered, bruised, broken.

I watch those people who are so happy,
and try to remember a time when I was.
It makes me cry uncontrollably.
I remember many times I felt that way, consumed and filled with joy.
Now, I feel nothing.
I am capable of only being sad and negative.

This way of life is so easy to stay in,
so hard to recognise there is a problem.
It takes so much energy but to accept the issue,
to live without denial,
hardly.

I hope that one day, I feel good again,
I will not feel those people judging me,
I will be strong and be able to deal with things better.
Loving will be easier,
living will be easier.

Heartbreak

Heartbreak is the hardest emotion
I can deal with love
not wanting to leave your side
but when it comes down to that exact moment
when you have to say goodbye
I felt it shatter
I fell into pieces
Into my pillow
I cried for a little while
I recovered
but every thought
every memory
I shattered
Broke down
Torn the FUCK apart.

Your friends hated me
They had never met me
You gave me a chance
Chance of a lifetime
To spend two weeks with you
It was so beautiful
Laying in your arms in the most magical settings
Having crazy adventures in crazy cities
Pouring my heart out
For fucks sake I had found someone who liked me for me

and it's all gone

I would have given you everything
Everything I had to give
I wasn't broken
I didn't need you to make me feel better
I needed you, because you were you
and I liked EVERYTHING about you.

You made me laugh
so much it hurt inside
The thought of you being away from me hurt more than all
The thought of you going back to her
Killed me
She doesn't respect you
She doesn't love you.


I was restored
My heart was restored
and I gave myself
to the MOST amazing guy I've ever met
and there it goes
Shattered.
Destroyed.
But that's okay
That's life

I will try my hardest to forget you
I will be bitter and cold.
It will take another year to restore my faith
My heart
Piece it back together
Like a puzzle.


All in all
This is my vent
I'll get over you
but for the moment

I miss you.

Greiving you

Thankyou for giving me your all
You believed in me
You said I had stars in my eyes
and I'm here to make a difference

You cannot imagine how much your words mean
How much they tug at my heart
Making me weak at the knees

You are so thoughtful
Your smile is such warmth
Your arms pull me in and you wrap them around me
I feel safe
I feel the love
I am so tired of pretending it doesn't exist
So tired of feeling negative
It takes so much energy
It consumes my all and I'm left
Limp. Lifeless. Lost.
Missing in action

Friendships come back

you're back
and i love you
i don't know if i'll ever utter those words to you

i watch you speak
and i love your smile
i love your knowledge
your intelligence
you
i love you

it makes me sick
how much i want to be with you
sometimes i think you want me
maybe im dreaming
it doesnt stop me wishing

maybe once i lose weight
and love myself
you will love me

i want to be your perfect queen
i want you to live for me
i want to be your constant
maybe one day

Friendship

The friendship is a mess.
I'm not quite sure why.
You have become untrustworthy,
I don't understand you.

I miss the heart felt friend you once were.
You cared, listened, loved.
Now all you do is criticise and it hurts.
It has become too much for the soul to take.

Friends don't treat friends like that.
You should adore them for their imperfections,
not rape them of everything they are.
How dare you.

I fear our friendship is becoming weary, old, unattached.
One day soon it will be no longer, like so many others before.
Losing interest in being treated like shit,
stamping out all the negative.

I hope it doesn't come to that.
I hope sooner rather than later you will once again see,
the beautiful friend I am,
I am me, just me.

Family

The ones who love you no matter what.
They know your secrets, your fears.
They have seen your deepest, your darkest times.
Even though you do wrong,
they are the ones to always back you up.
Live for you.
Hold you when you are about to down that bottle.
You are broken.
Throw what you want at them.
They take it.
Family, through thick and thin.
They are there for you.
Cherish this.

Edie (Written after seeing "Factory Girl")

Your life was short.
Tragic.
Upsetting.
Devestating.
You came in with a bang, you left with a bang.
Drugs were your battle, you succumbed.
Such beauty, such beauty.
Such intelligence.
So, artistic.
So, spontaneous.
Your final hour was proposed.
Thanks to the drugs.
The speed to take away the pain, the heroin to take away the comedown from the speed.
Cocktails.
Drugs.
Alcohol.
Depression.
Spiralling out of control.
Your final hour.
Last breath,
Devestating.
Such beauty.
Such torture.
So beautiful.
Breathless.

Sheek.

What is Depression? Story of a true survivor.

What is Depression?
Story of a true survivor.

Depression becomes something that you get so used to that you don't know how to feel any other way. You think there is nothing else and the depression is just 'normal'. It isn't until you actually get to breaking point that you might actually get the point where you can open up to someone. Until that might happen, You will stay in disillusion and depression and feel utterly ashamed that you feel like this. Anti-Depressents are absolute bullshit, in my mind. All they do is cover up any issue that the depression might stem from. The issues will not go away because the anti-depressents will only hinder the person from dealing with the issue and when the anti-depressents are stopped, the issue will just come back. Emotional Wreck. The Anti-Depressents do nothing, they give you a quick happy high but you have to wein yourself off them and then the issues are still there, you tell me a point in that?

So many years I have had this debilitating disease. It leaves for a small time, but always comes back. It will leave me alone for months, but it always finds its way back into my every day life and sometimes I react very badly to it. Do I secretly love feeling low and depressed? I think that my body has been so used to the anxiety, depression and panic attacks that it would truly miss it all if I banished them for good. I haven't felt right on my feet for so long and happy with my life that it would be unnatural to feel good about myself. I know that I don't help myself when I get right down there. I hate myself. I try to think of why I'm depressed. I lay for hours. Insomnia is the fucking devil. Do I need Anti-Depressents? A doctor might say so. Do I need a psych? Probably. Do I need professional help? I don't think so. I'm not about to hurt myself. I don't want to commit suicide. Yet trying to deal with problems is really goddamn hard.

I talk to people I trust. Some understand, some don't. I ask myself everyday if I should make the 'effort' and see a doctor. I personally, would rather use my inner strength to eat well, exercise and get myself more positive. Anytime I get tired or stressed I am vulnerable to the disease and I am so glad I have the talent of writing, otherwise I'd be afraid of doing something unimaginable to myself to relieve the torment inside.

I really feel I am an alcoholic. I have never admitted it and it scares the absolute fuck out of me, that I might have to one day sober up and never drink again. Nothing I can take will help me forget my existance. Nothing can take away the hurt, the feeling of emptiness in my gut. The constant fear of failure, even when I succeed. To someone who has never battled depression, you will never understand not being able to deal. Not able to shut yourself up, your mind is overflowing with constant thoughts of negativity and fear. My biggest fear is love, and being hurt. It happens so often. Sometimes I wish that I could put the wall up and never let anyone in, however, I am such a hopeless romantic that I really am waiting for that connection. I am so up and down. The depressiobn makes me hate myself and I am so unconfident. Yet when I am happy and feeling great, I feel so overconfident, I love myself. My biggest thing is that it scares me that I keep allowing myself to get like this and I constantly come to the conclusion yet I do nothing about it and that is so stupid. I don't know where to go from here, but if anyone ever reads this, I hope it is someone who understand my constant torment.

Rachel Carger.
20/07/08.

Defenseless

I put up my defense shield
I find it hard to speak to you
I berrate you
I don't mean to
My mouth is my core enemy

I'm scared of liking you
so I act mean
I know it doesn't make sense
but it's the way I cope
unfortunately.

I make fun of you
but I really want you
I wish you were mine
everlasting
love is a fever.

I dream of you
I can still taste you on my lips
You were such a caring lover
I miss your smile
the way you laugh at my jokes.

I failed because I lied
I pushed you away
that was the furtherest thing
i ever wanted
I'm sorry to myself for that.

I hate myself for hiding
the facade is my favourite friend
it's the only way i face the day
who the fuck am i?
who knows.

Blank Thoughts

I sit here with blank thoughts
not knowing what to say
not knowing what to think
negative thoughts running thru my head every day

same shit different day
i wake up and open my eyes
sick of fake people
sick of their fake lies

who should i be
what will i become
this is what im thinking
with all this shit in front of me

going crazy from the pressure
my parents always on my back
its getting out of hand
and one day im gonna crack

i know what i want to
i want to travel and write
why cant they just let me live my own life?
they really need to see the light

i am my own person
ill try not to dismay
i just wish they could see this
before they push me away

Alcoholism

Photo album shows memories,
scattered dreams.
Times when I didn't care.
I didn't know who I was.
The poison blocked any emotion,
yet brought out the worst in me.
Sober, 4 days, I hate it.
I know I need to rid it.
Set myself free.
I felt invincible.
Bulletproof.
All I did was hate myself even more.
Nothing can take that pain away.
Until I can see, without intoxication.
I am so loved.
Yet feel so alone.
I do it, to myself.
Push them all away.
I tell them lies so they leave me alone.
It's better off this way.
I need to learn to love myself again,
I just don't know how.
All I know is how to abuse myself, that makes me feel good.
The poison makes me lie.
I hate it,
I need to learn control.
Tell myself I can do it.
Give myself the chance.
Sober. Alive. Happy. Hope.

Alcohol the Poison

It scares me, the regret.
Losing control of mind, body and soul.
Life should not be like this.
Unable to be without intoxication.

Hardly waking the next day.
Feeling as if death is closing in.
Wonder of what happened.
Asking unanswered questions.

The losing of memory,
Unable to remember past events,
Damn the alcohol,
Devils juice.

It makes me hurt inside,
Yet I cannot put it down.
Every sip and I need another,
My mouth is so dry.

I drink because I'm thirsty,
Thirsty to make all the nightmares go away.
Stop the torment.
It helps me forget myself, my control.
Who am i?
I am miserable.