What is Depression? Story of a true survivor.

What is Depression?
Story of a true survivor.

Depression becomes something that you get so used to that you don't know how to feel any other way. You think there is nothing else and the depression is just 'normal'. It isn't until you actually get to breaking point that you might actually get the point where you can open up to someone. Until that might happen, You will stay in disillusion and depression and feel utterly ashamed that you feel like this. Anti-Depressents are absolute bullshit, in my mind. All they do is cover up any issue that the depression might stem from. The issues will not go away because the anti-depressents will only hinder the person from dealing with the issue and when the anti-depressents are stopped, the issue will just come back. Emotional Wreck. The Anti-Depressents do nothing, they give you a quick happy high but you have to wein yourself off them and then the issues are still there, you tell me a point in that?

So many years I have had this debilitating disease. It leaves for a small time, but always comes back. It will leave me alone for months, but it always finds its way back into my every day life and sometimes I react very badly to it. Do I secretly love feeling low and depressed? I think that my body has been so used to the anxiety, depression and panic attacks that it would truly miss it all if I banished them for good. I haven't felt right on my feet for so long and happy with my life that it would be unnatural to feel good about myself. I know that I don't help myself when I get right down there. I hate myself. I try to think of why I'm depressed. I lay for hours. Insomnia is the fucking devil. Do I need Anti-Depressents? A doctor might say so. Do I need a psych? Probably. Do I need professional help? I don't think so. I'm not about to hurt myself. I don't want to commit suicide. Yet trying to deal with problems is really goddamn hard.

I talk to people I trust. Some understand, some don't. I ask myself everyday if I should make the 'effort' and see a doctor. I personally, would rather use my inner strength to eat well, exercise and get myself more positive. Anytime I get tired or stressed I am vulnerable to the disease and I am so glad I have the talent of writing, otherwise I'd be afraid of doing something unimaginable to myself to relieve the torment inside.

I really feel I am an alcoholic. I have never admitted it and it scares the absolute fuck out of me, that I might have to one day sober up and never drink again. Nothing I can take will help me forget my existance. Nothing can take away the hurt, the feeling of emptiness in my gut. The constant fear of failure, even when I succeed. To someone who has never battled depression, you will never understand not being able to deal. Not able to shut yourself up, your mind is overflowing with constant thoughts of negativity and fear. My biggest fear is love, and being hurt. It happens so often. Sometimes I wish that I could put the wall up and never let anyone in, however, I am such a hopeless romantic that I really am waiting for that connection. I am so up and down. The depressiobn makes me hate myself and I am so unconfident. Yet when I am happy and feeling great, I feel so overconfident, I love myself. My biggest thing is that it scares me that I keep allowing myself to get like this and I constantly come to the conclusion yet I do nothing about it and that is so stupid. I don't know where to go from here, but if anyone ever reads this, I hope it is someone who understand my constant torment.

Rachel Carger.
20/07/08.